Lies are powerful weapons and those who are proficient in their use can destroy relationships, cause financial ruin and, in the right circumstances, even kill. Much has been written about how to spot deception. Popular media creates fictional characters that can detect someone who is lying by how they wrinkle their nose while looking up and to the left...or is that down and to the right? It doesn’t really matter because either way, its fiction.
That’s not to say that there are not elements of truth to some of these fictional stories. Many of the writers do some surface level research and, to their credit, they create entertaining characters. The problem comes when people who watch these shows think they now know how to tell whether their coworker, business partner or teenager is lying. Some people get so caught up in the surface level specifics they “learned” from television that they ignore obvious red flags.
Detecting deception doesn’t have to be that difficult; here are a few very basic skills and considerations that, will help you, if you cultivate them over time.
MAKE A HABIT OF LISTENING & WATCHING CAREFULLY: As the old saying goes, God gave us two ears and two eyes but only one mouth. In other words, we should listen and watch at least twice as much as we speak. When we listen only enough to respond we miss subtile verbal cues, changes in body language and conversational undercurrents that can serve to inform us.
ESTABLISH WHAT IS NORMAL: If someone uses gestures when they speak, uses a lot of filler words or fails to make eye contact, these COULD be indicators of deception or they COULD just as easily be completely normal for that individual.You won’t know unless you take the time to discover what normal is for that person. This is where popular media can get us into trouble. We see a TV show that tells us that a certain behavior is a clear sign of deception when, in fact, it might be perfectly consistent with the individual’s baseline behavior.
WATCH FOR CHANGES IN BASELINE BEHAVIOR & CORRELATE TO THE STIMULUS: If you are having a conversation with someone and their pattern of speech, body language or other normal behaviors suddenly change it is worth taking note of. As the conversation continues pay close attention and try to correlate the change in behavior to the topic at hand or external factor that might be present.
ASK QUESTIONS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO & CONSIDER HISTORY: If someone lies to you and you have direct knowledge of it’s falsehood than that’s a huge red flag. People who routinely lie about little things are likely to lie about big things as well. Does the person you are talking to have a habit of lying or just being wrong about key issues? In either case, it is wise to proceed with caution.
REMEMBER, THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE USUALLY AREN'T TRUE: As the popular saying goes, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The corollary to that is that if something sounds too bad to be true it may very well be exaggerated. Listen very carefully to what is said. Does the person speaking have a ready answer to every question...even those you didn’t ask? Does the person give so much detail that it seems contrived? Does the person mix few details with a great deal of emotion or excitement?
REMEMBER, SITUATIONS THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE USUALLY AREN'T TRUE: So you received that email from the Nigerian General who says that he learned of you through the U.S. Embassy. If you don’t have friends in the State Department or affiliated agencies how likely is that to to be true? Even more importantly, how likely is it that a person who has never met you wants to give you $300,000,000 for safe keeping and, as a reward, he’ll let you keep 10%. Similarly you suddenly meet a woman who looks like she came from a photo shoot in Milan and she seems very interested in you. Ask yourself; is this normal for you? If not, she wants something! Congratulations! You’ve just won the lottery and you didn’t even enter it... Can you win a lottery that you didn’t enter...no, no you you can’t.
RUSHED DECISIONS ARE RARELY GOOD DECISIONS: When someone pressures you to make an instant decision you can fairly assume that they don’t want you thinking too much. Take your time, think through the situation and make a good decision. If necessary walk away.
EMOTIONAL DECISIONS ARE RARELY GOOD DECISIONS: When someone with who you have absolutely no relationship tries to pull at your heart strings, it is almost always a sign of manipulation. Take your time, find out all the facts and then make a decision.
CHALLENGES TO YOUR IDENTITY: Some people will try to subtly challenge your identity in an attempt to manipulate you. If you see yourself as a “good person” who wants help others, the challenger will inevitably be the person who needs help. In worse cases, If you see yourself as “non-judgmental” you might very well ignore your gut feeling to leave a bad situation. If you grew up believing that you always had to “be polite” then you are likely to wait too long to draw clear boundary lines
TRUST BUT VERIFY: Take time to verify the truth claims of someone you are not sure about. If you can’t verify the claim it might be because the claim is false.
Finally, remember that in most situations, you are not required to call a liar out. You are not required to give an explanation as to why your answer is no and you are not required to debate. In fact, explaining your reasons for distrusting someone will only help educate them to become a better liar.
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